Mindless Ramblings of a Girl Named Jess

Welcome to the Petri Dish...

2010-02-15T05:47:00.000-08:00

I decided this morning that I am my own little science experiment. Due to lack of funds and more importantly good health insurance I was unable to refill a prescription. For what you ask? Ahhhh...I call them my crazy pills, but I'm not really crazy. I'm not. Stop it, I'm really not.

Moving on....

So I couldn't fill the Rx and decided to "budget" the pills I had left out.

Oh yeah, that was really freaking bright of me...I'm a bright bright shining star, that's for sure.

So day one I didn't take one...gee I felt fine I thought, lemme go 2 days. Still fine, but there was this nagging thing in my brain...what was it...oh yeah, WORRY. By day 3 I was worrying about people I didn't even know...you, the lurking reader...yep, I worried about YOU. I worried about running out of gas, I worried that the car ahead of me might run out of gas, I worried that some little ol' lady in Wisconsin may have run out of gas.

On day 4 I was dizzy, had a headache and was a raging bitch.

I took a pill.

Little ol' lady in Wisconsin? Yeah, you're on your own now.

Cycles of the Moon

2010-01-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

*Let me first preface this entry and say, if you are male you may want to walk away. Think of this blog post as that aisle at the grocery store with all the pads and tampons...you're curious, but not enough to go poke around there....

My oldest started her period today. We (and when I say we, I mean me and all the "Aunties") have been tracking the mood swings for months. Today we were rewarded for all that hard work (really, it took a lot of fingers and toes people).

She took it like a champ, my darling fantastic butterfly girl. Her only comment on the entire happening was "mom, I'm not liking this whole period thing." That's my girl.

So today I welcome my daughter into the Red Tent and into the Sisterhood. You're in great company butterfly girl!

2010-01-11T06:59:00.001-08:00

The very definition of travel mug is that it goes with you. It's not supposed to stay in the house while you go.
And that is how my Monday started.

My girls, my heart, my soul....for them...

2010-01-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An' what will be.
An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.

~Martina McBride

2010-01-08T06:56:00.001-08:00

Oh now this is exciting....I can text blog posts from my phone. Oh happy day!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

2010-01-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

So I think I'm having an identity crisis. It hit me the other morning as I dropped off the last piece of paperwork to the attorney that for basically my entire adult life I've been a wife.

Think about that. Take a moment to ponder that for me. How 1960's do I sound?! It's true though...I feel like I need to burn my bra or something...

I've never not been a wife...in the grand scheme of things. So now I'm left with this blank canvas of sorts....I get to figure out me, my life, my direction. I no longer have to follow the "further the man's career" line of thinking....and holy crap it's unsettling. Who the hell am I? Yeah yeah, I'm a mom...but who am *I*??? I have to unlearn things I've become so accustomed to...and relearn things and learn new things and omg I think I'm going to be sick....and not only do I have to do all that, I have to do it within a court ordered time frame (which ironically enough coincides with me turning 40...)

Maybe this is why martini's and pills were so common place way back when?

Finding Grace

2010-01-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

So it's finally here. 2010. I've been saying 2009 has been the worst year of my life, but that's not true. It's absolutely been my hardest year yet (I will not try to even try to lie to myself by saying ever, I know there will be harder times). It's been a year full of emotion, tears, laughter...yes laughter, the belly cramping kind where you just can not catch your breath. Surprised? I was too when I started looking back over the past year. I lost so much in 2009, I lost who I thought I was, I lost what I thought I valued most. I lost the me that I had become. I was in pieces, I had no idea who or what I was at some points.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Looking back I realize that I found strength I had no clue I had. I found clarity, I found truth, and I listened to it....I finally listened. I started taking steps away from a life, a world I held so dear. I hung on for so long, thinking that was the only life I had. Those were the most agonizing steps I've taken so far. Every fiber of my being screamed to turn around, and one small voice...a quiet voice way way down said LET GO. It's taken me a year to realize that the voice belonged to me. The me that I wanted to be, needed to be, the me I was. And I listened....I finally listened. Hopefully, what I lost will be replaced by friendship someday. Time will tell.

So here we are...my girls and I. A family. Conventional? No....but really, what is?

Over this past year the girls and I have found true happiness and love. We've found true friends that we consider family. We've found strength in each other, joy in the most simple things.

We welcomed 2010 with open arms, ready to embrace it all. I left my baggage in 2009, it has no place here anymore. Try not to trip over it please.

Happy Anniversary?

2009-12-12T12:51:00.001-08:00

Wow, a year already. It's been quite the year to say the least. A year ago tonight reality bitch slapped me across the face. A year ago tonight I received, in rapid fire succession, a series of phone calls that would ultimately change my life, and my girls lives...forever.

I honestly remember very little about this past year. I acted on instinct most of the time, and when I couldn't function I had people around me that would function for me. I've been told that I've done it, that I've survived, that I made it through. I suppose that I have. I know I'm a stronger person for all that's happened. I know that I'm the me that I'm supposed to be. I realize that I have gone through something and come out the other side. The odd thing is, I don't see any of that as being amazing. I did what I had to do given the circumstances. I didn't see that I had any choice in the matter but to go forward...and I had a path to choose.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about today. I hope that I can soon forget that December 12 was the time I found out. I never want to forget that it happened, I'd just like that day to be a memory....fuzzy....lost in time....

She Walked Away Without So Much As a Backward Glance

2009-11-29T17:38:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day I plan to EVAH step foot into The House. Sure, I'll be in the garage, but the garage holds so many good memories for me now. So this afternoon I walked through one last time, expecting...I don't know exactly, something. All I felt was relief and peace. I shut that door one last time and walked away.

I thought back over this past year and looked where I am now. I microscope looked. My view sure has changed...and I've never been happier. Good, bad and ugly I love where I am, literally and metaphorically.

So I'm writing that next book, filling those pages up at rapid fire speed. My pen is to paper and it's making those wonderful scratching noises that only pens to paper do.

There Are No Words...

2009-11-18T18:48:00.000-08:00

well, there are...they just bounce around inside my head. During the day, during my long long car ride to and fro, the words are there. I just can't get them in any sort of order these days. I can't be still enough to get the words to behave. Soon. Soon I'll have my space, my peace and my time to coax all the words into something that makes sense. I look forward to it, I dream of it...I long for it. I think with joy about the nights I'll have being curled up in my perfect little nook...the nights that I know my words will obey and want to flow freely, instead of now...where they are there, being difficult.

Act Your Age!

2009-10-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

What exactly does that mean? I was told last night that I didn't really seem my age, that I was more like a kid. Growing up I was always told to act my age, but looking back I *was* acting my age.

So WTH? I'm 37 years old...where's the outline of how I'm supposed to be acting? I mean wedding anniversaries are laid out for you...telling you exactly what to get on which year...why not ages?

It'd be great to just open a book before every birthday and get a full outline of what you're supposed to be doing and how you're supposed to be acting....eh, maybe not.

I was never a fan of coloring in the lines...why start now.

Winds of Change

2009-10-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, those winds of change are blowing all right...blowing so hard my damn hair is getting messed up (sorry, taking a "southern moment" ;-) )

The other day it hit me, my life is going to change forever. It's been a very long time since my life has had this much change in it, and it's GOOD....scary as hell, but good.

I'm excited to take the step onto this new path...there are a ton of things in my way, that's for sure...but for some reason I'm ok with that...I can see the end and I just want to run to it. I'm exercising my patience though....which is comical all on it's own.

And distracted as ever, I plug along with my days...sometimes you just need to be a butterfly to get it all done....

Hush! Fine, I'll write already!!!

2009-09-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

So This Is 37

2009-09-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

To say that my 36th year was hard would be an understatement. During the course of that year I went through so many changes and emotions, I can't even begin to describe. It was a year of awakening, a year of taking a good hard look at things...something that I didn't want to do, but was forced to do. And that's ok. Somethings aren't better left alone. Status quo isn't always a good thing.

So when it came time for 37 to roll around I was more than ready. I wanted a fresh beginning, and brand new starting line with a new ending....that's not written yet.

I was surrounded by some of the best people that I know over the weekend...my birthday weekend.

With them I celebrated surviving, growing, learning and recovering. I am blessed.

White Tights

2009-09-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Since the first day that one neighborhood boy splashed mud on my pretty white tights in grammar school I knew I'd never understand them. Who them? Boys. Men. Oh who are you kidding...they'll always be boys.

I mean what is it with them?? Cave men would drag their women around by their damn hair! Now we give up our names in most cases sometimes ourselves.

And yet we keep going back. We just keep changing our tights and we keep getting mud splashed on them.

True some are way better than others, but, they'll always splash the mud...always...no matter how great they are.

I am tired of changing my damn tights. I like my clean white pretty tights and damn it the next time I get splashed with mud I swear I'll take them off right then and there and walk away. Naked...ok, not totally naked...but naked by way of no tights.

Damn it.

And Then You Were Twelve

2009-07-15T20:23:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to my darling girl. My heart, my joy, my butterfly love.

The day that you were born, my life changed forever. Never again would I be the same woman that I was. Never again would I view the world in the same way. You simply *being* opened my eyes to things that I could never even imagine. The beauty in a drop of water dripping from a leaf, the way the wind blows the leaves on trees....you are who makes me take the time to notice these little things, these amazing things. You are truly a blessing my oldest daughter.

This year I give you wings my baby, wings to enter the next chapter in your book of life. Little wings to stretch and to fly with. Your starter wings to soar to those places that I know you will.

I wish you the strength to hold your head high, to stand tall, and to be you.

I love you my girl, my angel baby. I love you *so big*.

Who Knew...

2009-06-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

Who knew I'd find happy after being so sad for so long.

Who knew I'd want to stay in a state that for years I wanted to leave, I've found peace here.

Who knew that I'd find my way, find me, and have the power to act.

Who knew that I'd day dream again, find hope, be hungry for things again.

Who knew I'd become strong, find a voice, and fly.

2009-06-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

As though being a mom is not hard enough, throw in having a child with any type of special needs. Now I know today, everything constitutes a “special need” but 11, almost 12, years ago it was pretty cut and dry.

My oldest was born with numerous heart defects. We’re not talking one hole, but 4…and narrowing of arteries from her heart and her lungs. We found all this out when she was three months old. Imagine it please. Or actually, don’t. It was the hardest thing I’d ever dealt with at the age of 24.

I was left in a holding pattern. Told to watch for signs of heart failure. Told that they wouldn’t know for certain if surgery was in our future. It’s a humbling thing to be in a waiting room of a children’s hospital, that’s for certain.

The time between visits to her cardiologist were some of the longest periods of my life. I was exhausted to my core, feeling so unbelievably helpless I could barely function. My life revolved around my precious tiny girl, my girl who never asked for her health issues, who laughed and smiled and was happy. I held her tiny little self in my arms and listened to a geneticist tell me that she’d never amount to anything, that she’d probably never function normally. I remember looking down at her precious innocent face and just not understanding how he could know that already. How could he sit there and tell me things that haven’t been written yet?

I took her home that day, feeling completely alone and confused.

I spent the next week researching and learning all that I could, and then one morning I looked over and saw her smiling at me. That was it for me. That was the moment it all clicked into place.

I shut the computer off, picked up my perfect baby girl and never looked back.

Sure, every single day presents a new set of challenges, but we deal with them together looking dead at them in the eyes instead of sticking our heads in the sand. Yes, you mourn the loss of what you think of as “normal”….but if you’re lucky you can learn to appreciate the normal that is, not what isn’t.

Gravity

2009-06-16T12:34:00.001-07:00

Life is funny. You hear over and over again that you're only as good as the company that you keep. I finally, after all these years, fully understand that.

The people that are around me, the few that I let into my life and open the doors to my soul for, they are the ones that when I become a flighty silly air filled balloon, pull me back down to solid ground. Sure, sometimes they deflate me and that's okay because there are those times they see my need to float and they let me.....holding firmly to my string to pull me back down again.

They are my own personal form of gravity, rooting me in place....reminding me of what's truly important in life. I lost that once, and I never want to again.

Hi, Nice to See You Again....

2009-06-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

I took a road trip recently that literally changed me, or, brought me back...I'm not sure which.

It was a 6 hour one way drive...longest I had taken since before I was married...and I was driving.

My music? Soundtrack from the movie Elizabethtown. So with my girls, good music and my thoughts that I had been ignoring we got on the road.

In those 6 hours I allowed myself to hear my thoughts, really hear them. The thoughts that I never wanted to admit I had. I listened to myself finally and by the time I pulled into the driveway I knew...hadn't fully admitted to myself, but knew.

I spent days enjoying great company, watching my girls smile, realizing that I was also smiling...by the time we left I was there. Wounds that I thought would never heal, are. Happiness that I never thought I would feel again, I do. My girls notice. Maddi said that she missed my smiles and Alli has told me over and over again that she's glad that I'm back, and that I'm happy.

People keep asking me if I've met someone, and I have.

I've met me again.

2009-05-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I've been walking for days, that exhaustion, that fear of feeling lost...it's all there. When I turn around to see the path I've been on, it's gone...hidden by the new grown brush that blocks my way back.

Makes me wish I had a machete.

My 7 Year Old Sage

2009-05-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

Seeing me sad a lot over the past few months, my 7 year old finally told me that it was ok to be sad. Then she lays this one me....

"Without sad there wouldn't be happy"

I looked at her blinking for probably 5 minutes. Damned if she wasn't right.

My 7 year old has a deeper view of the world than I knew....and now she's dispensing her sage advice to her 36 year old mom....which is great actually. So fine...I get it...in order to know what happy feels like I need to do the sad thing. I'm totally accepting of that, really I am. I'm just a little over feeling sad all.the.damned.time.

I want to find my happy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find that again. It's a weird place to be in actually. There are times I think I've found footing, only to realize that I was standing on quicksand, nothing stable. And I'm really not the most patient person at all, I'll freely admit that. So I want my happy *now*....

The Legacy of Being Left

2009-05-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still struggling. Suddenly I'm a single mom. Suddenly my life is turned upside down. Suddenly it's been four months. Every minute of every day is sometimes a challenge for me. There are days where I honestly think that I'm finally ok and then for some reason, no reason actually, I know that I'm not. I realize that I'm a role model for my girls, that how I handle things now will show them so many things. I want to show them that women can be strong, but I also want to show them that loosing someone that you have loved can make you weak, and that crying is ok. Being sad is ok. I want them to see me be sad and then see me stand up. I want them to know that if they are going to love, to love 100% to throw their entire heart and soul into it. That being hurt is part of it, and that they too will survive heartbreak.

I want them to know without a doubt that I have tried, that I did and still do love, and that letting go was not what I wanted, but loving someone enough to make choices you don't agree with is ok.

Those are my hopes for my girls.

Leap Before You Look?

2009-05-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

Wait, is that right? Hmmmm.

Seems to have worked out pretty ok for me so far. It's basically how I've lived my life. I leap, then take a look around and I take a moment to get used to my new surroundings. It's funny because most people would view me as someone who never takes risks. And that's partly true, I don't take any unnecessary risks in life. There are just some things that are worth being risky about. That's my opinion anyway...

Don't ask me to list the ones that are worth it, I never really know until they're laid out in front of me...

Tangled Mess of Chain

2009-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in life where you have to be shaken to your very core. You have to be broken down to dust in order to realize what really is important in life. Only then can you rebuild a life the way you need to, with what you need. Peel away the excuses, the pycho-babble, the crap...and you look, you delve, you think. Through crisis comes clarity. The book was written over the years, lives intertwined within those pages. Our story being told real time. Words pouring onto the pages as though they were alive. Words washing over the blank pages that held our future. Together we lived, together we wrote, together we added the words that bound lives once separate. The book grew into a novel, and the novel got placed on the shelf for safe keeping. Safe keeping sometimes means forgetting it was there. The book didn't get read as often as it should have. The pages still left for words remained blank. The book is a memory and now the author is me. I hold the pen in my hand alone this time, holding it over it's blank pages...wanting to start, but not being able to. The pen shakes in my hand and I want to throw it away. I want to close the book, with all the blank pages, but I can't. Love is like a tangled up necklace. It's knotty, it's messy and sometimes parts can break while you're trying to fix it. But if it's your favorite necklace you save it anyway. You take the time to unknot it, and even if there's parts you can't you still keep it. It's too important to just throw away. You love the necklace and you've taken the time to try to unknot it, and you've accepted that some knots will stay. Nothing is neat and orderly in love. Nothing is just so. No, love is messy. Messy like the way a room looks after a 2 year old leaves it, or a 3 year old's finger painting. Messy like after a hurricane blows through and downs trees. But you clean, and you rebuild and that love is constant.