Welcome to the Petri Dish...

I decided this morning that I am my own little science experiment.  Due to lack of funds and more importantly good health insurance I was unable to refill a prescription.    For what you ask?  Ahhhh...I call them my crazy pills, but I'm not really crazy.  I'm not.  Stop it, I'm really not.

Moving on....

So I couldn't fill the Rx and decided to "budget" the pills I had left out.

Oh yeah, that was really freaking bright of me...I'm a bright bright shining star, that's for sure.

So day one I didn't take one...gee I felt fine I thought, lemme go 2 days.  Still fine, but there was this nagging thing in my brain...what was it...oh yeah, WORRY.  By day 3 I was worrying about people I didn't even know...you, the lurking reader...yep, I worried about YOU.  I worried about running out of gas, I worried that the car ahead of me might run out of gas, I worried that some little ol' lady in Wisconsin may have run out of gas.

On day 4 I was dizzy, had a headache and was a raging bitch.  

I took a pill.

Little ol' lady in Wisconsin?  Yeah, you're on your own now.

Cycles of the Moon

*Let me first preface this entry and say, if you are male you may want to walk away.  Think of this blog post as that aisle at the grocery store with all the pads and tampons...you're curious, but not enough to go poke around there....

My oldest started her period today.  We (and when I say we, I mean me and all the "Aunties") have been tracking the mood swings for months.  Today we were rewarded for all that hard work (really, it took a lot of fingers and toes people).

She took it like a champ, my darling fantastic butterfly girl.  Her only comment on the entire happening was "mom, I'm not liking this whole period thing."  That's my girl.

So today I welcome my daughter into the Red Tent and into the Sisterhood.  You're in great company butterfly girl!

The very definition of travel mug is that it goes with you. It's not supposed to stay in the house while you go.
And that is how my Monday started.

My girls, my heart, my soul....for them...

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes. 

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An' what will be.
An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.

~Martina McBride

Oh now this is exciting....I can text blog posts from my phone. Oh happy day!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

So I think I'm having an identity crisis.  It hit me the other morning as I dropped off the last piece of paperwork to the attorney that for basically my entire adult life I've been a wife.

Think about that.  Take a moment to ponder that for me.  How 1960's do I sound?!  It's true though...I feel like I need to burn my bra or something...

I've never not been a wife...in the grand scheme of things.  So now I'm left with this blank canvas of sorts....I get to figure out me, my life, my direction.  I no longer have to follow the "further the man's career" line of thinking....and holy crap it's unsettling. Who the hell am I? Yeah yeah, I'm a mom...but who am *I*???  I have to unlearn things I've become so accustomed to...and relearn things and learn new things and omg I think I'm going to be sick....and not only do I have to do all that, I have to do it within a court ordered time frame (which ironically enough coincides with me turning 40...)

Maybe this is why martini's and pills were so common place way back when?  

Finding Grace

So it's finally here.  2010. I've been saying 2009 has been the worst year of my life, but that's not true.  It's absolutely been my hardest year yet (I will not try to even try to lie to myself by saying ever, I know there will be harder times).  It's been a year full of emotion, tears, laughter...yes laughter, the belly cramping kind where you just can not catch your breath.  Surprised?  I was too when I started looking back over the past year.  I lost so much in 2009, I lost who I thought I was, I lost what I thought I valued most.  I lost the me that I had become.  I was in pieces, I had no idea who or what I was at some points.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Looking back I realize that I found strength I had no clue I had.  I found clarity, I found truth, and I listened to it....I finally listened.  I started taking steps away from a life, a world I held so dear.  I hung on for so long, thinking that was the only life I had.  Those were the most agonizing steps I've taken so far.  Every fiber of my being screamed to turn around, and one small voice...a quiet voice way way down said LET GO.  It's taken me a year to realize that the voice belonged to me.  The me that I wanted to be, needed to be, the me I was.  And I listened....I finally listened.  Hopefully, what I lost will be replaced by friendship someday.  Time will tell.

So here we are...my girls and I.  A family.  Conventional?  No....but really, what is?  

Over this past year the girls and I have found true happiness and love.  We've found true friends that we consider family.  We've found strength in each other, joy in the most simple things.

We welcomed 2010 with open arms, ready to embrace it all.  I left my baggage  in 2009, it has no place here anymore.  Try not to trip over it please.