Who Knew...

Who knew I'd find happy after being so sad for so long.

Who knew I'd want to stay in a state that for years I wanted to leave, I've found peace here.

Who knew that I'd find my way, find me, and have the power to act.

Who knew that I'd day dream again, find hope, be hungry for things again.

Who knew I'd become strong, find a voice, and fly.

As though being a mom is not hard enough, throw in having a child with any type of special needs.  Now I know today, everything constitutes a “special need” but 11, almost 12, years ago it was pretty cut and dry.

 

My oldest was born with numerous heart defects.  We’re not talking one hole, but 4…and narrowing of arteries from her heart and her lungs.  We found all this out when she was three months old.  Imagine it please.  Or actually, don’t.  It was the hardest thing I’d ever dealt with at the age of 24.

I was left in a holding pattern.  Told to watch for signs of heart failure.  Told that they wouldn’t know for certain if surgery was in our future.  It’s a humbling thing to be in a waiting room of a children’s hospital, that’s for certain.

 

The time between visits to her cardiologist were some of the longest periods of my life.  I was exhausted to my core, feeling so unbelievably helpless I could barely function.  My life revolved around my precious tiny girl, my girl who never asked for her health issues, who laughed and smiled and was happy.  I held her tiny little self in my arms and listened to a geneticist tell me that she’d never amount to anything, that she’d probably never function normally.  I remember looking down at her precious innocent face and just not understanding how he could know that already.  How could he sit there and tell me things that haven’t been written yet?

I took her home that day, feeling completely alone and confused. 

I spent the next week researching and learning all that I could, and then one morning I looked over and saw her smiling at me.  That was it for me. That was the moment it all clicked into place.

I shut the computer off, picked up my perfect baby girl and never looked back.

Sure, every single day presents a new set of challenges, but we deal with them together looking dead at them in the eyes instead of sticking our heads in the sand.  Yes, you mourn the loss of what you think of as “normal”….but if you’re lucky you can learn to appreciate the normal that is, not what isn’t.

 

Gravity

Life is funny.  You hear over and over again that you're only as good as the company that you keep.  I finally, after all these years, fully understand that.   

The people that are around me, the few that I let into my life and open the doors to my soul for, they are the ones that when I become a flighty silly air filled balloon, pull me back down to solid ground.  Sure, sometimes they deflate me and that's okay because there are those times they see my need to float and they let me.....holding firmly to my string to pull me back down again.

They are my own personal form of gravity, rooting me in place....reminding me of what's truly important in life.   I lost that once, and I never want to again.  

Hi, Nice to See You Again....

I took a road trip recently that literally changed me, or, brought me back...I'm not sure which.

It was a 6 hour one way drive...longest I had taken since before I was married...and I was driving.

My music?  Soundtrack from the movie Elizabethtown.  So with my girls, good music and my thoughts that I had been ignoring we got on the road.

In those 6 hours I allowed myself to hear my thoughts, really hear them.  The thoughts that I never wanted to admit I had.  I listened to myself finally and by the time I pulled into the driveway I knew...hadn't fully admitted to myself, but knew.

I spent days enjoying great company, watching my girls smile, realizing that I was also smiling...by the time we left I was there.  Wounds that I thought would never heal, are.  Happiness that I never thought I would feel again, I do.  My girls notice.  Maddi said that she missed my smiles and Alli has told me over and over again that she's glad that I'm back, and that I'm happy.

People keep asking me if I've met someone, and I have.  

I've met me again. 

Sometimes I feel like I've been walking for days, that exhaustion, that fear of feeling lost...it's all there.  When I turn around to see the path I've been on, it's gone...hidden by the new grown brush that blocks my way back.  

Makes me wish I had a machete.

My 7 Year Old Sage

Seeing me sad a lot over the past few months, my 7 year old finally told me that it was ok to be sad.  Then she lays this one me....

"Without sad there wouldn't be happy"

I looked at her blinking for probably 5 minutes.  Damned if she wasn't right.

My 7 year old has a deeper view of the world than I knew....and now she's dispensing her sage advice to her 36 year old mom....which is great actually.  So fine...I get it...in order to know what happy feels like I need to do the sad thing.  I'm totally accepting of that, really I am.  I'm just a little over feeling sad all.the.damned.time.  

 I want to find my happy.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find that again.  It's a weird place to be in actually.  There are times I think I've found footing, only to realize that I was standing on quicksand, nothing stable.  And I'm really not the most patient person at all, I'll freely admit that.  So I want my happy *now*....

The Legacy of Being Left

I'm still struggling. Suddenly I'm a single mom.  Suddenly my life is turned upside down.  Suddenly it's been four months.  Every minute of every day is sometimes a challenge for me.  There are days where I honestly think that I'm finally ok and then for some reason, no reason actually, I know that I'm not.  I realize that I'm a role model for my girls, that how I handle things now will show them so many things.  I want to show them that women can be strong, but I also want to show them that loosing someone that you have loved can make you weak, and that crying is ok.  Being sad is ok.  I want them to see me be sad and then see me stand up.  I want them to know that if they are going to love, to love 100% to throw their entire heart and soul into it.  That being hurt is part of it, and that they too will survive heartbreak.   

I want them to know without a doubt that I have tried, that I did and still do love, and that letting go was not what I wanted, but loving someone enough to make choices you don't agree with is ok.

Those are my hopes for my girls.