Sometimes I feel like I've been walking for days, that exhaustion, that fear of feeling lost...it's all there.  When I turn around to see the path I've been on, it's gone...hidden by the new grown brush that blocks my way back.  

Makes me wish I had a machete.

My 7 Year Old Sage

Seeing me sad a lot over the past few months, my 7 year old finally told me that it was ok to be sad.  Then she lays this one me....

"Without sad there wouldn't be happy"

I looked at her blinking for probably 5 minutes.  Damned if she wasn't right.

My 7 year old has a deeper view of the world than I knew....and now she's dispensing her sage advice to her 36 year old mom....which is great actually.  So fine...I get it...in order to know what happy feels like I need to do the sad thing.  I'm totally accepting of that, really I am.  I'm just a little over feeling sad all.the.damned.time.  

 I want to find my happy.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find that again.  It's a weird place to be in actually.  There are times I think I've found footing, only to realize that I was standing on quicksand, nothing stable.  And I'm really not the most patient person at all, I'll freely admit that.  So I want my happy *now*....

The Legacy of Being Left

I'm still struggling. Suddenly I'm a single mom.  Suddenly my life is turned upside down.  Suddenly it's been four months.  Every minute of every day is sometimes a challenge for me.  There are days where I honestly think that I'm finally ok and then for some reason, no reason actually, I know that I'm not.  I realize that I'm a role model for my girls, that how I handle things now will show them so many things.  I want to show them that women can be strong, but I also want to show them that loosing someone that you have loved can make you weak, and that crying is ok.  Being sad is ok.  I want them to see me be sad and then see me stand up.  I want them to know that if they are going to love, to love 100% to throw their entire heart and soul into it.  That being hurt is part of it, and that they too will survive heartbreak.   

I want them to know without a doubt that I have tried, that I did and still do love, and that letting go was not what I wanted, but loving someone enough to make choices you don't agree with is ok.

Those are my hopes for my girls.  

Leap Before You Look?

Wait, is that right?  Hmmmm.  

Seems to have worked out pretty ok for me so far.  It's basically how I've lived my life.  I leap, then take a look around and I take a moment to get used to my new surroundings.  It's funny because most people would view me as someone who never takes risks.  And that's partly true, I don't take any unnecessary  risks in life.  There are just some things that are worth being risky about.  That's my opinion anyway...

Don't ask me to list the ones that are worth it, I never really know until they're laid out in front of me...

Tangled Mess of Chain

There comes a time in life where you have to be shaken to your very core.  You have to be broken down to dust in order to realize what really is important in life.  Only then can you rebuild a life the way you need to, with what you need.  Peel away the excuses, the pycho-babble, the crap...and you look, you delve, you think.  Through crisis comes clarity.    The book was written over the years, lives intertwined within those pages.  Our story being told real time.  Words pouring onto the pages as though they were alive.  Words washing over the blank pages that held our future.  Together we lived, together we wrote, together we added the words that bound lives once separate.   The book grew into a novel, and the novel got placed on the shelf for safe keeping.  Safe keeping sometimes means forgetting it was there.  The book didn't get read as often as it should have.  The pages still left for words remained blank.  The book is a memory and now the author is me.  I hold the pen in my hand alone this time, holding it over it's blank pages...wanting to start, but not being able to.  The pen shakes in my hand and I want to throw it away.  I want to close the book, with all the blank pages, but I can't.   Love is like a tangled up necklace.  It's knotty, it's messy and sometimes parts can break while you're trying to fix it.  But if it's your favorite necklace you save it anyway.  You take the time to unknot it, and even if there's parts you can't you still keep it.  It's too important to just throw away.  You love the necklace and you've taken the time to try to unknot it, and you've accepted that some knots will stay.  Nothing is neat and orderly in love.  Nothing is just so.  No, love is messy.  Messy like the way a room looks after a 2 year old leaves it, or a 3 year old's finger painting.  Messy like after a hurricane blows through and downs trees.  But you clean, and you rebuild and that love is constant.